


Something Like Home

by Meraad



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, F/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2020-09-25 21:24:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20378350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meraad/pseuds/Meraad
Summary: A sequel of sorts to Mercy. Will contain some Cullen/Taashath Adaar and Warden Talon/ZevranWhen Evelyn Rainier (formerly Trevelyan) left Skyhold and the Inquisition a year and a half earlier, she thought she was done with that part of her life. She was ready to start over in a new place and focus on raising her daughter, and leave the painful memories of her past behind her.The unlikely friendship she formed with Grey Warden Alistair Therin had stayed strong and no longer plagued by the taint, he accompanied her to help her settle in her new home. For Alistair, it was the first true home he’d known and he easily found reasons not to leave.When a letter arrives, drawing them both back into their pasts, Alistair to Weisshaupt, and Evelyn to Skyhold they will have to face the reality of what they mean to each other and what they want in the future.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is technically a sequel to Mercy, though instead of the story revolving around Cullen/Taasha it will revolve around the disaster that is Evelyn. I will attempt to write it so that if you don't care to read Mercy(where Evelyn is mostly a secondary character in the last third of the story), it won't be too confusing. Also, I've never actually written Alistair much, beyond a scene or two here and there, so if my portrayal of him sucks, my apologies.

The familiar sounds that greeted Evelyn’s ears as she stepped through the front door of her home had her smiling. The exhausted giggles from Liddy alongside Alistair’s voice as he told her her favorite bedtime story. Heading through the kitchen and to the living room, she leaned her shoulder on the door frame as she found them as she did most nights when she helped out at the tavern. Alistair half-lay on the couch, sprawled out with Liddy on his chest, the stuffed bear that had at one time been bigger than her, tucked under her arm, with her thumb in her mouth.

Just seeing them made her heart clench tight in her chest. Alistair looked up and met her gaze. Some emotion crossed his face too quickly for her to figure out what it was before he offered her a smile. “Hey,” he mouthed.

Evelyn frowned. “What’s wrong?” she asked quietly as she crossed the room.

“Nothing,” he replied, keeping his voice low. “I left supper in the oven for you, should still be warm.” Alistair sat up, his hands on Liddy’s back, holding her against his chest as he moved to stand.

Evelyn stood in front of him, blocking him from getting up. Dread coiled in her belly. Something was wrong. He wouldn’t meet her gaze now. “I’ll take her,” she murmured, then with years of practice, they easily shifted the little girl from one to the other. Padding down the hall, she pressed a kiss to the top of Liddy’s head, the soft brown curls smelling of honey-scented soap. After Evelyn tucked Liddy into her crib and watched her for a long minute, she withdrew and made her way through the house to find Alistair.

Unsurprisingly, she found him in the kitchen, pulling the dish from the oven. Smelled good, she thought, but eating was the last thing on her mind. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Alistair glanced over at her, then sighed and nodded to the table. “Letter came today.”

Frowning, Evelyn walked over, picked it up and instantly recognized Josephine’s looping handwriting, informing her that she would need to return to Skyhold immediately, so they could proceed forth to the Winter Palace. “I stepped down as Inquisitor over two years ago,” she said, shaking her head. Alistair leaned against the counter, his arms over his chest.

“Maybe,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean much to the people who saw you as their leader. And you were the leader of the Inquisition for most of its time before you closed the breach.”

Evelyn scoffed and rolled her eyes as she tossed the letter onto the table. “You and I both know that’s bullshit.”

He shook his head. “You know it isn’t. Only those in your inner circle know the truth of what happened.”

Evelyn looked away, her heart clenching in her chest. The truth of what happened. The truth of her generally being a bitch, getting possessed and killing the father of her child. “I don’t suppose you have any interest in going with me?” she asked. “You could help me mock the Orlesians.”

“Evie...” he trailed off and she looked up at him. Realized there was more. His downcast expression meant he wasn’t going to be coming with her.

“You won’t be here when Liddy and I get back, will you?” She tried to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat.

Alistair uncrossed his arms, then held up his hands, before dropping them again along with his head. “There is trouble at Weisshaupt.”

The Grey Warden fortress. Of course. “Why can’t Talon go? She’s the Warden-Commander.”

“She can’t,” Alistair said with a little shrug of his shoulders. “She’s with child. According to Zevran, it’s a full-grown Qunari.” The joke fell flat as she stared at him.

“Fucking rabbits,” Evelyn snapped quietly, shaking her head as she began to pace the kitchen.

“Evelyn,” Alistair’s voice was sharp and angry. He’d never used that tone with her and it brought her up short. She blinked, saw the incredulous expression on his face and realized what she’d said.

“I didn’t-that isn’t what I meant! I meant she and Zevran fuck like rabbits. I swear, are they trying to populate a small country?” It would be their third, not including the young boy they had adopted before arriving at Skyhold, or the four others they had taken in since then.

His features softened instantly. “Can you blame them? To suddenly have the opportunity to have the family they always wanted, without death looming at the end of a very short tunnel?”

The lump was back in her throat and her eyes burned. Evelyn blinked and looked away. No, she thought. She didn’t blame Talon for taking what she’d wanted. Had things been different, had Thom not died at her own hand, Evelyn imagined she might very well be in the same boat as Talon, desperate for a whole brood of babies that had their father’s heart. “Haven’t you given them enough?” she asked, her voice rough with the pain of the past. “You risked your life for the cure, and you hand-delivered it to them. Can’t you just-” _stay here with me._ She didn’t finish the thought.

“Evie,” his voice was gentle and it made her chest hurt.

It was stupid, she knew that. He’d come with her to Markham just to help her get settled, then had stayed to help fix up the house that had once belonged to Thom’s family. Two years of his life, of a freedom without the taint of the Darkspawn haunting him, he’d stayed with her, to help her. Maybe it wasn’t just a duty he felt honor-bound to, but an escape from her and the life she’d dragged him into. “I’m not hungry,” she said quietly, gesturing to the pan sitting forgotten on the stove. “Josephine said a small _retinue_ will arrive first thing tomorrow morning to escort Liddy and I. I should… pack.”

Evelyn felt oddly hollow as she walked back through the living room and down the hallway. “Evie,” Alistair’s voice carried down the hall and she stopped, one hand curled around the door jam as she looked back at him. “Can I come back?” he asked and her brows drew together.

“What do you mean?” she asked shaking her head.

“After I take care of whatever new mess the Grey Warden’s have stirred up. Can I come back?”

The laugh that escaped her held no amusement. “Why would you want to?”

There was a long moment where they just stared at each other, then Alistair shifted, looked away for a moment, before meeting her gaze once again. “I never had a home. I lived places, sometimes longer than others. But none of them were ever a home. Until you… you and Liddy and this place.”

“You’ll always be welcome here, Alistair, always.”


	2. Chapter 2

Shutting herself in her room, Evelyn set to packing a bag for herself and Liddy. She did her best not to let her mind wander away from the task at hand, but still, it did. Alistair was going to leave. He asked to come back. But why would he? Evelyn had nothing to offer him. Nothing left inside herself. Too much loss, she thought absently as she stood in front of her dresser.

A small locket sat open, revealing the tiny portraits of Alexander and Isaak. Her husband and son. Her heart ached just looking at it. So much pain and regret that sometimes she’d thought it would swallow her whole. So much anger. Evelyn had never been a kind person, she knew that. she’d been called a bitch more times than she could remember and it was true. But Alex and seen past that somehow and had loved her.

Evelyn had loved him too. Loved that he was kind and gentle. A teacher, he’d been so good with children. Not once had he tried to persuade her from her choices. She was a soldier and Alex accepted that. Worried for her, yes, but not once had he tried to talk her out of it. In the aftermath of the Blight, she had encouraged him to make the trip back home to Kirkwall, to see his family. She’d follow as soon as duties allowed.

Counting down the days until she’d make her own departure, word had come. The Qunari had attacked Kirkwall. Her husband and son were dead. The grief had consumed her. Dragged her down and she’d allowed it. Evelyn never had friends, fellow soldiers were mere acquaintances. All that anger and rage had festered.

And then the Temple of Sacred Ashes had exploded, and Evelyn found herself marked and front and center and leading the Inquisition. Lightly she touched the tiny carved wooden bird, wings spread in flight. Evelyn never believed she’d find love again. Didn’t think she could, nor did she want to.

It had started with sex. Sex was easy. Why be lonely all the time? At least she could take some pleasure in life, no matter how fleeting. But then somehow, he’d slipped inside. Wormed his way into her heart. Thom had seen beyond the walls she’d built around herself and had loved her. When the blackouts came, the lost time, he’d been her respite. The only time she had felt like herself, like more than a passenger in her own body.

Thom had seen it. He’d known. He’d tried to help her. But Evelyn hadn’t been strong enough to keep the demon at bay. Not without him beside her.

_Thom kissed her tenderly, stroked calloused fingers along her jaw, down her throat. “You’re sure you want to do this alone?” he asked._

“_Yes, I- it’ll be fine,” she reassured him, gently tugging at his beard. She could face Leliana. Step down as Inquisitor. No one would mind, she knew that. Then maybe, just maybe, she’d be able to focus on whatever it was that was wrong with her._

“_Alright, love.” He kissed her again and she was alone. Evelyn left her quarters, walked down the long corridor of the main hall, her eyes on the door that lead to Leliana’s tower. But instead, found herself in the kitchens. _

_She’d begun to scream and shout, but it only echoed in her head. Horrified she watched herself pick up a mug, pour in the strong tea she liked along with a hefty amount of whiskey. No. No. NO! She screamed and railed, but no one noticed. No one objected or commented. She carried the mug out of the kitchen and fished a small vial from her pocket. Tugging the tiny cork free with her teeth, careful not to spill, not to let any of the liquid touch her own lips, she spat the cork, poured in the dark green liquid before tossing the vial the same way as the cork._

_Thom sat in the barn, working on another carving. “That didn’t take long,” he smiled up at her, setting aside the wood and knife as she sidled into his lap. His hands slid up her thighs. “Everything alright, love?”_

“_It will be,” the words came from her lips, but they were not her own. She continued to scream in her mind. But she had no control over her body. Once again, forced to watch as she did something that she couldn’t control. Evelyn pressed the mug into his hand and Thom took it. Drank. _

_A tear rolled down her cheek. “Evie, love?” Thom’s brow furrowed, he peered into the nearly empty mug, then looked at her, and for just a moment, she broke free._

“_I’m so sorry.” Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she curled her fingers in the front of his shirt. “Oh, Maker, Thom,” her voice broke. “I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t-”_

_His free hand came up to cup the back of her head. “Love,” he whispered his tongue heavy, eyelids drooping. “You’re strong enough. Keep fighting. Don’t give up.”_

“_I can’t,” she sobbed._

“_You can,” he insisted. “I know you can,” his voice was a rasp of sound and Evelyn tried to scream. Someone would come. Someone would help him, but she couldn’t. “I love you,” he murmured, his hand slipping from the back of her head. A final breath passed his lips before his head sagged forward._

Her throat burned as she turned away from the dresser and resumed packing. She’d loved him and she had killed him. Talon’s voice was a gentle reprimand in her mind, ‘it wasn’t you.’ Evelyn still struggled with it, after all this time. She’d been fully prepared to leave the Inquisition and join the Queen’s army, where if she happened to die, then so be it.

But then she’d found out she was pregnant and everything had changed. After the loss of Alexander and Isaak, she’d had no desire to seek out love, had known without a doubt in her mind that she’d never have another child. She’d been so careful. The demon, on the other hand, hadn’t. It had killed Thom, and never bothered to drink the tonic and in the aftermath of everything, once Corypheus was defeated and she’d found friends in the most unexpected people, finding out she was with child had broken her and saved her all at the same time.

Liddy was her everything. And if she happened to be a bit overprotective, then it was understandable. Alistair helped with that. She trusted him implicitly. Evelyn knew that he’d never allow harm to come to her and he was the only reason she hadn’t gone mad in the first year.

Reaching up to rub her sternum, she sighed and sunk down on the edge of the bed. Back into it all. Back to face the people who hated her and take on the role she hadn’t truly led since long before the defeat of Corypheus.

In the morning, Evelyn gathered the two small bags and set them beside the door and waited. When the carriage arrived she handed over the bags before going back down to Liddy’s room. The little girl still slept and Evie was careful not to wake her as she lifted her from the crib. Liddy mumbled as her head lolled against her shoulder and Evelyn found herself hesitating, glancing at the door that lead to Alistair’s room.

It’s better this way, she thought before stepping outside and closing the door behind her. Alistair would make sure everything was shut up before he left and she’d written letters to a few of the people in town. Namely Bess, the woman who ran the tavern and had helped Evelyn more than she could ever repay her for.

Alistair wasn’t sure when he gave up on even pretending to try and sleep and just settled for pacing his room. He imagined it was likely that Evelyn was doing the same. Rubbing his hands over his face he sat down on the edge of the bed, sighed. _“Haven’t you given them enough?”_ her voice was an echo in his mind. But how could he not give more? Give everything.

Duncan had saved him from misery within the Templars. Duncan would want him to stop shirking his duties and return to the Wardens. It was for the best, besides. Evelyn was leaving, taking Liddy with her and when they came back – he broke off the thought at the pain that seemed to pierce his heart.

“_Haven’t you given them enough?”_

Closing his eyes, he thought back to the Blight. The sacrifice. He’d done his duty then, to be sure that Talon had survived. Gone to bed with Morrigan, to father a child he’d never know. Tears stung the backs of his eyes and he scrubbed his hands hard against his face. Alistair had resigned himself to his fate long ago. When he’d heard the calling, he’d accepted it.

Joined with the Inquisition to help them defeat Corypheus, to stop the Wardens from making a huge mistake, though already it had been too late for that.

“_Haven’t you given them enough?”_

When Talon told him she had a cure, he’d been wary, but he’d done it for her. For her and Zevran and the child, she carried inside her.

Alistair had been able to catch glimpses of Kieran, the son he’d never know, and had reluctantly accepted when Morrigan had made it very clear he was to stay away. The boy seemed happy enough and Talon had reassured him that Kieran was kind and so very intelligent. _“Wonder where he got that?”_ he’d retorted flippantly.

He’d never met anyone so shattered as Evelyn had been when he’d first encountered her. How long until she completely broke? he’d wondered. Only she hadn’t and she’d let him in slowly. Trusted him. And he’d gone and fallen in love with her, well aware that she’d never love him back.

Another thing he’d accepted. He could handle that, so long as she didn’t send him away. Didn’t reject his friendship. Evelyn and Liddy, sweet Liddy, had become his family. The house in Markham that had belonged to her lover, had become his home. The first home he’d ever truly known and felt welcome in.

He’d come and stayed, and helped raise her daughter and he loved Liddy. Adored her as if she were his own child. Cherished every moment knowing that it was too much to hope for that he’d ever get the chance again.

And now, he had to leave them. Rubbing a hand of his jaw, he felt the scrape of stubble and sighed. Alistair had known that someday he’d have no choice, but he’d hoped- he didn’t know what he’d hoped for. The sound of the front door closing quietly had him jumping off the bed. He all but flew across the room, tore open the door, and through the front window, he saw the carriage out front, the one that would take the two people he loved more than anything, away.

Alistair crossed the living room, yanked open the door, and spotted Evelyn as she stepped around the back of the cart. He hurried after her. “You weren’t going to say goodbye?” he asked and she whirled, guilt all over her face.

Liddy’s head popped up. “Ali,” she exclaimed and shot her hands out toward him. “Alibear. Ali!”

“I-” Evelyn ducked her head. “I thought you were sleeping,” she told him, and then relinquished her daughter into his arms when he stepped closer.

“I didn’t get any more sleep than you did,” he said, and then smiled at Liddy when she grabbed onto his face and tugged, pulling him down to her.

“Alibear,” she said very seriously and he smiled at her. Her dark curls were a mess around her head.

“Liddylove,” he said, and then began to pepper loud smacking kisses on her cheeks until she shrieked with laughter, squirming in his arms.

“Momma! Momma!” she reached for Evelyn, who took her but didn’t play the game like they usually did. The back and forth of tickling and kissing.

“We need to go,” Evelyn said. “You’re… you know you’re always welcome here, Alistair. Stay as long as you need and… come back, whenever-” she swallowed, stepped back and toward the back of the carriage, “whenever you want. If you want.”

“Evie,” Alistair reached out, his hand on her elbow as she used one hand to hold Liddy, the other to grip the leather strap on the back of the cart to heft herself inside. He helped steady her as she swung her leg over and settled herself on the wooden bench inside.

“Stay safe, Alistair,” Evelyn said, and then she looked away. “We’re ready. Let’s go,” her words were crisp and Alistair stepped back from the cart.

“Take care of my girls,” he said and Evelyn jerked her head around, met his gaze and he knew he imagined the dampness in her eyes. Alistair watched the small troupe until they disappeared into the dust and rubbed his hands over his face. Worry and fear were a knot in his stomach. What if something happened to them? What if Liddy needed him?

And why would she need him? He thought bitterly as he finally turned and walked back into the house. He wasn’t her father. Looking around, he shoved his hands into his pockets. “And this isn’t your home.”

It was for the best, he told himself. Liddy wouldn’t even remember him by the time they returned to Markham, would she? The journey to Weisshaupt would take a month, at least. Then to deal with whatever problem was at hand. Which could take months. Evelyn would be in Skyhold in two weeks, then to Halamshiral, for how long?

He knew he should pack, close up the house and go, but he found himself walking down the hallway to Liddy’s room where he sat on the floor, his back against the wall and let himself grieve for what he’d never have.


	3. Chapter 3

Evelyn lay on the hard ground, her thin bedroll doing little to cushion her from the rocks, Liddy asleep on her chest. The trip had started off well enough, Liddy fascinated by the horses and all the new people to look at. Until she’d grown tired and curled in Evelyn’s lap and around the thumb in her mouth asked for her Alibear. It had taken too long for Evelyn to realize that she’d been asking for her stuffed bear and then with dawning horror, she’d realized she’d left it behind.

Liddy had screamed and thrown herself on the floor of the cart demanding her Alibear, which at that point, Evelyn was fairly certain she’d meant Alistair. Because he always fixed everything in Liddy’s eyes. She’d done her best to distract her daughter, and failed and she’d felt their eyes on her. She’d felt the judgment of the soldiers around her. 

Now, she smoothed a hand rhythmically down Liddy’s back, willing herself to fall asleep. She was exhausted, it should come easily enough. But she lay there, wide awake, her mind a whirl of all the things that had gone wrong, that could go wrong. This whole trip, she thought, was going to be a disaster. The people of the Inquisition, they didn’t like her. Her companions hated her. Taashath, Alistair, and Talon had been the only people in Skyhold who could tolerate her. 

Her head ached, which always made her anxious. It was a throbbing pulse of pain and she tried to reason with herself.  _ You’re tired. You’ve been trying not to cry since last night. You didn’t eat dinner last night, or a single meal today. _

But what if… what if it wasn’t for any of those reasons? What if another demon had gotten a hold in her mind? On the worst nights, when her mind began to spiral down into that pit of despair, Alistair was always there for her, the gentle voice of reason in her madness. Reassuring her that she was not possessed. 

Without him there, that voice in the back of her mind, the one that she was never quite certain was her own bitter self, or another demon waiting to tear her down and destroy her again, was louder. Reminding her of all her terrible deeds. 

_ “How many of these soldiers did you let fuck you?” _ that voice said, mocking and cruel. Unable to help herself, her gaze flicked around, to the other bedrolls, to the sleeping men, to the ones on lookout, leaning against trees or sitting on rocks.  _ How many? _

Bile burned her throat. She didn’t know. Didn’t remember. Or maybe she didn’t  _ want  _ to remember. Because much of what she’d done when not in control of her body had come back. And there were snatches of memories, glimpses of hands on flesh, of fingers digging into hips, bruises left my mouths and teeth. 

Heart tripping in her chest, beating faster Evelyn closed her eyes tightly, tried to breathe through the panic. She didn’t want to return to Skyhold. To deal with any of this. But she hadn’t earned that peace, had she? She wasn’t like Alistair or Talon. 

Then there was another voice in the back of her mind, one she didn’t care why she heard. If it was only her imagination or a demon.  _ “Evie, love,” _ it was a soft rumble. A voice that was all gravel.  _ “You’ve earned some peace, rest.” _

Sleep seemed to drag at her suddenly, pulling her into the black and she welcomed it. Because so often when she dreamed, she dreamed of him. Dreamed of him and their child together. Evelyn’s heart ached at the sight that greeted her. 

Thom looking just as he had two and a half years ago, the day that she’d poisoned him, killed him. Simple trousers and a tunic with the sleeves rolled up over his forearms. Cradling their daughter in his arms as she slept, thumb in her mouth, her other hand clutching at the air. The sight of it stole the breath from her lungs, had tears filling her eyes. 

If she hadn’t been so weak. If she hadn’t been so afraid. 

“Evie,” he said, his voice softly chiding. “How long are you going to blame yourself?” 

Crossing her arms over her chest she looked at him. This figment of the man who had held her heart after years of anger. “Forever?” she let out a quiet bitter laugh. “I am the reason she doesn’t have a father.” 

Thom looked down at Liddy, dark curls framing her small face, peaceful in sleep. “Yes she does,” he said quietly and Evelyn gave her head a sharp shake.

“Yeah,” she bit out. “And I killed him.” He lifted his head, met her gaze and she couldn’t read the expression on his face, which she found odd because she’d created this vision of him. Hadn’t she? Unless he was a demon. “I can’t do this, Thom.” Evelyn shook her head again, raked a hand through her hair and began to pace the room. “Going back there, to Skyhold and the Inquisition- facing all of them again.” 

Thom stepped closer, one hand lifted to cup her face and Evelyn shuddered before closing that last bit of space and dropped her forehead against his shoulder. “They need you,” he murmured, his free hand coming up to cup the back of her head.

Letting out a quiet snort of laughter, it turned into a broken sob. “No, they don’t.” She had been Inquisitor in name only for months before they defeated Corypheus. “They hate me,” she murmured. And she still hated them, didn’t she? The things they had let slide. Her companions, her  _ advisors _ . They had seen the things she was doing, they hadn’t approved. They had judged her. But they hadn’t put a stop to it. They hadn’t seen how horribly wrong everything was. 

Liddy made a quiet fussing sound, twisted and Evelyn’s eyes snapped open to the look blindly up at the starry sky above. “Shh,” she murmured quietly, rubbing Liddy’s back.

“Ali-alibear,” one tiny hand reaching out in sleep for a man who wasn’t there. 

“Shh,” Evelyn crooned again. “Shh, sleep Liddylove.” The nickname Alistair often used seemed to settle over her, soothe her and Evelyn let out a quiet breath. And how was she going to do this without him? He’d been there, he’d always been there. Day and night almost since she had met him.

He’d left only for a few weeks to take the cure for the Taint to Weisshaupt and then he’d come back. It was selfish, she knew that. She wasn’t blind, Alistair had feelings for her, feelings she knew she could never reciprocate, and yet, she held on to him. It said a lot about her, didn’t it? 

Evelyn could lie, and say it was all for Liddy. The girl had never known a single day without Alistair. She adored him and Evelyn knew how much Alistair loved Liddy.  _ You’re so selfish _ , she thought bitterly. But Alistair had become her best friend, and she didn’t know how to be without him either anymore.

Would he truly come back after taking care of whatever trouble it was that the Grey Wardens were dealing with? Or would he take the chance to leave and start his own life? An ache built in her chest at the thought. He should. He deserved it. She stood by her words to him the night before,  _ haven’t you given them enough? _

Alistair deserved the life he’d never had the chance to have, and that she would never be able to give. But did she have the strength to tell him to stay away?

  
  


_ Four months _ , if Alistair was being generous. Four months before he’d see the two of them again. But he knew more than likely it would be six or seven at least. He’d miss Liddy’s birthday. He’d miss all the little things that came with watching her grow up. He’d been there for her first steps, her first words. 

Alistair sat on the floor for hours. Recalling all those little moments. The first time he held Liddy, a pink-faced, squalling baby and he’d loved her from that very instant. And he had made a silent vow that he would protect her for the rest of his life. The quiet moments, evenings after a long day of work, cradling her against his chest. The panicked ones, like when Liddy had a fever, and Evelyn had been distraught. The joyful ones, like when Evelyn finally seemed to find peace, to start laughing more and smiling again.

But what would she do when those doubts slipped in again? It would be worse, he thought, going back there. 

That Evelyn trusted him with Liddy and with her darkest secrets, it meant more to him than he could ever put into words. This little family … that he had no business being a part of. Pushing up to his feet with a quiet groan, Alistair left Liddy’s room as the sun began to sink down below the horizon. He went to his own room, began shoving his belongings into his pack. 

Six months. Half a year. Liddy would turn two. Would she get a cake? Smash her hand into it and giggle with delight over the sweet and sticky mess?

Bag packed, he tossed it to land near the door before falling onto his bed. In the morning he’d get up, make the arrangements. Clear out the food, take it to the neighbors. Drop off the letter for Bess at the tavern. Then head to Weisshaupt. 

Sleep came in starts and fits. He had snatches of dreams, horrible visions of what could happen to Liddy, to Evelyn.  _ They needed you _ , it was a hazy thought, and his heart kicked in his chest, then he was halfway to the door before his mind cleared and he gave it a shake. 

“They don’t need you,” he told himself. No one had ever  _ needed  _ him. 


	4. Chapter 4

Alistair lingered at the house longer than he cared to admit. But he had a nagging worry that if he left, he’d never be able to come back, despite Evelyn’s promise of the contrary. In the early morning, just as the sun inched over the horizon, Alistair stepped into Liddy’s room once more and walked over to her crib. Picking up the blanket left behind, he brought it up, inhaled deeply and his chest felt so tight he could barely breathe. Countless nights that he’d laid on the couch, the sweet baby smell of her in his nose as she lay on his chest. 

Carefully folding the blanket he went to lay it back down in the crib when he frowned. Her stuffed bear, the one that she refused to sleep without was partially tucked under another blanket. Picking it up he stared at the light brown creature with yarn stitched eyes. He knew that Evelyn hadn’t left it on purpose. 

Could he catch up to them? Unlikely. They’d probably have set sail by the time he reached Kirkwall. Why hadn’t she come back for it? Because she wouldn’t ask for any sort of favor from them. _ My poor Liddy _, he thought. Stroking a hand over the bear’s head he just looked at it for long moments before gently laying it back down in the crib.

Then Alistair forced himself to walk out of the room and down the hall. The windows were all shuttered up, and he’d spoken with Bess the day before. 

_ “They should be back soon,” he told her. “A month, maybe two.” _

_ “We’ll keep an eye on things. The Walters boys are still working the farm?” Alistair nodded. “Good, it’ll keep until you all return.” _

Evelyn hadn’t had any interest in farming, and since they had already been utilizing the land she’d allowed them to continue, sharing a portion of the profits and food cultivated and Alistair had found that he enjoyed the labor required. 

Turning over sword and shield for a shovel and plow had been surprisingly easy and he sent up a silent prayer to the Maker that he would return. 

_ Haven’t you given them enough? _ Evelyn’s words were a quiet whisper in the back of his mind as he grabbed his bag and locked up the house behind him. The horse was one he’d acquired from a neighbor. 

“You are a Grey Warden,” he reminded himself, mounting the horse and making his way out of Markham. This is your duty. Wardens aren’t meant for futures and happiness. Wardens are meant to sacrifice everything they have, everything that they are to protect others.

He had made those sacrifices. Had been utterly willing to sacrifice his life during the Blight. Because even to him it had been blatant how deeply in love Talon and Zevran were. But when Talon had come to him, asking him to sleep with Morrigan he’d balked. 

She couldn’t be serious. How could she ask him to do such a thing? But she’d pleaded, with tears in her eyes that it meant they would both live. So he had. Another sacrifice, going to bed with a woman he despised to father a child he’d never know. 

Sacrifice after sacrifice. Yet no death. 

In the Fade, when he’d stood with Evelyn and Sienna Hawke against a demon, he’d been prepared to make that sacrifice again. Except she’d snarled at the both of them that no one else was going to die. The three had taken on the massive creature, wounding it enough to clear their escape, and once more, Alistair had been denied his death that would have been his final duty to the Grey Wardens.

Finding Talon at Skyhold, pregnant and hopeful that the years-long search for a cure was over, Alistair had taken the tonic, not sure if it would finally end his life, or end the song in his mind, beckoning him into the Deep Roads.

Drawing up short, Alistair tugged at the reigns. It had been over two years since he’d taken that tonic and the Calling had ceased.

Two years since he’d ceased to be a Grey Warden.

_ Haven’t you give them enough? _

Alistair thought of Talon, her family, and the life she was living, no longer plagued by the taint that meant certain death. He wanted that. He wanted a life and something to hold onto. And he wanted that life with Evelyn and Liddy. “I have given them enough,” he said, drawing back the reigns and turning the horse back toward Markham. 

He raced back as fast as he could without injuring the horse. Stuffed bear safely secured in his satchel, when Alistair left Markham this time, he was heading for Skyhold. Surely he would catch up before they left for Halamshiral, and then he would join Evelyn in mocking the Orlesians. 

Evelyn covertly watched the soldier as he made his way toward her. They were on one of the Montilyet ships crossing the Waking Sea to Jader. She held Liddy on her hip and her daughter was momentarily delighted by the ropes and sails. The man was young, perhaps in his early twenties with dark hair and pale eyes, and she’d found him staring at her more times than she could remember. It unsettled her. Not because she believed he meant her harm, but because when she looked at him for too long, snippets of memories or nightmares flicked past her mind’s eye. 

_ Hands braced on a table, back arched as fingers gripped her hips. The wet slide between her thighs as he fucked her with enough force to slam the table against the wall with every thrust. _

“Inquisitor.” 

She flinched, she couldn’t help it. Then turned to look at him. “Yes?” she said, her voice steady, though inside she was weeping. What did they think of her? Because her deeds had not been a secret.

“I-uh-” His face flushed and he looked down at the ground, before pulling something out of the leather satchel at his side. “Before we left the port, saw this in a shop-” he thrust it out and Evelyn stared at the small stuffed dog. “Heard her crying about her bear, just thought-” he broke off and for long heartbeats, Evelyn just looked at it. 

It was a kindness she hadn’t expected. “Thank you,” she said quietly, reaching out to take the animal. “Look, Liddy, a mabari.” Liddy’s face scrunched up and she tucked both hands beneath her chin, pressing her face into Evelyn’s shoulder. Glancing back at the soldier, Evelyn tried to smile a little. “Thank you,” she repeated.

“Ali,” Liddy whined quietly. “Want Alibear.” 

“I know, Liddy, I know. But, Alibear had to stay home.” 

The soldier stood there for a minute longer before giving a sharp nod of his head and straightening his back. “Well, I hope it helps,” he said, and then he was gone. 

Evelyn watched him go and couldn’t help but wonder, did he think Liddy might be his? Did the other soldiers wonder at that too? Turning her head to press a kiss to Liddy’s temple she lifted the stuffed dog to rub its soft head against her daughter’s cheek. “Are you sure you don’t want the puppy?” she asked softly. “I think it’d make puppy awfully sad if you didn’t want him.” 

Liddy sniffled quietly. “Want Ali,” she whined, but she darted out one hand, curling it around the neck of the stuffed mabari before drawing it close to hold against her chest, tucked under her chin.

“Me too, sweetheart, me too,” Evelyn sighed, wrapping her arms tighter around her as she shifted her hold. It had been a week since they had left Markham and Evelyn desperately missed her friend. 

It took three days to sail from Kirkwall to Jader, and it was late when they departed the boat. Liddy slept and Evelyn did her best not to jostle her. “How long until we reach Skyhold?” she asked the scout that seemed to be in charge of everything.

The look she received was somewhere between condescending and pity. “We aren’t going to Skyhold,” came the clipped reply.

“What do you-” Evelyn broke off, shaking her head. "What do you mean we aren't going to Skyhold?"

“Those who are in Skyhold that will be joining you in Halamshiral have already left. We will meet at Halamshiral.”

Evelyn felt her shoulders sag at the news. The one bright side to this trip, the only thing she’d been looking forward to had been seeing her friends. Seeing Taashath and meeting her daughter and seeing Talon and her whole brood. 

“I thought that Lady Montilyet informed you-” 

Evelyn waved off the words. For all she knew there had been more to the letter or another page she’d missed. “It’s fine,” Evelyn whispered, feeling even more alone with the news. In seeing them again, she’d thought they could bolster her. Prepare her to stand as the Inquisitor once more. Defeated she hefted herself up into the waiting cart and settled in a corner, Liddy bundled up against the chill night air, her stuffed mabari clutched tight.


	5. Chapter 5

The closer they grew to Halamshiral, the more Evelyn wanted to turn tail and run straight back to Markham. She had thought when she’d defeated Corypheus she was done with all of this. She’d stepped down as Inquisitor. Was the leader of the Inquisition only in name. But these people didn’t know that. Evelyn had no idea what she was even supposed to be doing here. She wanted nothing more than to disband the Inquisition if only so she could just be free from it.

They arrived without fanfare, though Evelyn spotted Josephine waiting, clipboard in hand as usual. Liddy on her hip, bag hanging at her other side she crossed to the woman and was grateful that Leliana wasn’t around at the moment. Evelyn thought she harbored the most anger with her, and perhaps Cassandra. 

“Ah, Lady Trevelyan.”

“It is Rainier,” Evelyn corrected her. It was all she had to offer the memory of Thom. Though she had never taken Alexander’s surname, thinking it too complicated when she’d always been addressed as Trevelyan as a soldier. But now that she was no longer that person, she’d been able to start over. Or at least she thought she had. 

There was a slight pursing of Josephine’s lips. “Very well,” she said. “Lady Rainier, many of your former companions have already arrived.” She turned slightly, beckoning a young woman forward. “Please show the Inquisitor and her daughter to their quarters. There is proper attire waiting for you, as well as a bath.” 

Evelyn glanced down at herself, and yes, she was dirty from the traveling, but as for what she wore, she didn’t think there was anything wrong with her simple tunic and trousers. But she knew that the same wouldn’t be thought by the Orlesians. Sighing inwardly, Evelyn followed the woman to her quarters and dismissed the offer of help.

Two hours later, Evelyn stepped out of her quarters, both her and Liddy bathed and dressed in clean clothes. Evelyn wearing the uncomfortable uniform that Josephine had left for her, while Liddy wore a simple dark green linen dress. “What am I going to do?” she murmured quietly, kissing Liddy’s forehead. She knew that she couldn’t take Liddy into the meeting, but the idea of leaving her with anyone? It made her sick to her stomach. 

Alistair had been the only one she’d trusted with her. Not that she had any reason to believe they would allow any harm to come to Liddy, but she didn’t trust them. But what other choice did she have? 

“Evie!” a voice called and she turned, surprised to hear the shortened version of her name. Few called her that, and for a long time, she’d all but forbade anyone from using it. Alexander had been the first to shorten her name, her parents had found it distasteful. After he had died though, hearing it had been painful.

She should have known when Thom began doing it she was sunk. Her heart was his and she’d have followed him anywhere. 

“Evie!” the voice called again, closer and she blinked herself back into the present, dragging herself out of her thoughts.

“Taasha,” Evelyn said in surprise. “You’re-I didn’t think you’d-” the relief of seeing her friend nearly had her weeping. 

The Qunari woman towered over her and, if she was perfectly honest, had terrified her when she’d first met her. But Taashath was the gentlest person, and Evelyn was honored to be able to call her friend. Taasha leaned down to wrap her arms around her in a hug. “I don’t let Cullen go anywhere without me anymore.” She drew back, cupped Evelyn’s face in her hands. “Oh, I missed you. And oh, Liddy, you’ve gotten so big.” 

Liddy, who was not fond of strangers, buried her face against Evelyn’s shoulder. “Won’t you say hi to Taasha?” Evelyn murmured. “She’s my friend, and she has a daughter too. Where is Liora?” 

The woman’s scarred face softened. “With Cullen, she’s napping. Were you heading somewhere, or do you want to come and visit?”

Evelyn pressed her face against the crown of Liddy’s head for a moment. She still felt awkward around Cullen, after the disastrous occasions where she’d all but begged him to fuck her. She knew that Cullen felt the same, though, for his love of Taasha, he tried. “I’m sure I’m supposed to be in a meeting somewhere.” 

“Not for a few hours yet,” Taasha told her, a smile creasing her cheeks. “Come, see Liora.” 

“Alright,” Evelyn relented. “I would like to meet your daughter.” Taashath had only found out she was pregnant after Evelyn had left Skyhold. 

They walked down the corridor and into another building and Taashath made a quiet sound at the squalling coming from down the hall. “Well, that was a short nap,” she sighed and gave Evelyn a crooked smile. “I hope you had better luck with Liddy when it comes to sleeping. It seems Liora doesn’t want to sleep a moment for fear she might miss something,” she said with a laugh as they stepped into the room. There was a small seating area that led off into a bedroom and Cullen was pacing the floor, singing softly as he held the infant against his shoulder and rubbed her back.

Turning, he sighed. “I believe someone wants their mother.” 

“Now, now Cullen,” Taasha chided gently as she held her hands out to take the child. “It’s only a screaming child and your child at that, but I imagine your mother would be far better at this than either of us.” She made quick work of unbuttoning her shirt and holding Liora to her breast where she immediately fastened on and the screaming went silent. 

Cullen reached out, gently pinching Taashath’s side, making her laugh before she sunk down onto the couch making quiet shushing noises to Liora. Then he finally seemed to notice the other woman in the room. “Evelyn,” he said with an incline of his head.

“Cullen,” she replied. 

“You look… you look good. And my goodness, is this Liddy?”

Liddy had turned her face and was watching Cullen. “Can you say hi to Cullen?” Evelyn asked and Liddy made a quiet sound, turning her head away. “She wasn’t impressed by the journey,” Evelyn explained.

  
  


It took Alistair three days to find a merchant ship that would take him to Jader. Then four days on the ship. He figured if they had already left Skyhold, he would meet them on the road at least. So he rode with high hopes to Skyhold. He made it to Skyhold less than a week later. Little had changed in the almost two years they’d been gone. A scout took the reins from him and he was about to ask where Evelyn was when he heard his name.

“Alistair,” Talon walked toward him, one hand against her back, her belly huge and her steps slow. “What are you doing here?” she shook her head in confusion. “You’re supposed to be in Weisshaupt.” 

He looked at her, his friend of so many years. She had helped him through some of the hardest parts of his life. Losing Duncan, who had been the closest to a father Alistair had ever had. Through the Blight though she was a year younger than him. She’d been the rock that kept their merry little band of misfits together. 

Until the end. When she’d asked him, begged him, to sleep with Morrigan and father a child he would never know. Then she and Zevran had disappeared and for a time, Alistair had drowned himself in drink to escape the pain, only it hadn’t worked and he’d realized fairly quickly that a drunkard’s life was not for him.

“Where is Evelyn?” he asked.

Talon shook her head. “She isn’t here. They went straight to Halamshiral. But why are you here? I told you, there is something wrong at Weiss-”

“I’m not a Grey Warden,” he said, cutting her off. 

Talon blinked, stared at him. “What-”

“I am not a Grey Warden anymore. I haven’t been since I took your tonic. No more calling, no more pull to the deep roads. Nothing tying me to the darkspawn,” Alistair said calmly, though he felt anything but. “You are no longer a Grey Warden either. You have made a life for yourself. I have sacrificed-” he broke off, took a breath. “I’ve sacrificed so much, we ended the blight twelve years ago. We helped the Inquisition save the world, yet again, and you found the cure. We’ve done our duty, and I for one am done sacrificing myself for them and this world. I deserve more than that.” He turned away from his friend. “Wait, scout, I’ll need my horse back.” 

“Get him the Charger,” Talon called. “She’s quick, enjoys a long ride. Just make sure to give her an apple or two a day or she might bite you.” 

Alistair looked back at Talon, couldn’t decipher the expression on her face, but he inclined his head, and when the scout arrived to hand over the reins, he mounted the horse and without a backward glance he was off again. 


	6. Chapter 6

The pain nearly took Evelyn to her knees. She cried out, grasping her wrist as the mark flared. Cullen, Josephine, and Leliana stopped bickering to walk toward her. She couldn’t look at them, just stared down at the mark. “It’s spreading, getting worse by the moment and I-” she broke off, finally looked up and met Cullen’s eyes. “Liddy,” tears filled her eyes and she blinked rapidly, trying to clear them away. She felt her breathing quickening, the pain constant now. “I want her to be with Alistair,” she told him. “He’s on his way to Weisshaupt, and if I-” 

“We’ll write to him immediately,” Josephine said, her tone gentle. 

Evelyn glanced over, then back to Cullen. “If he can’t… you and Taasha, would you-” her voice cracked and the tears overflowed.

“Of course,” Cullen inclined his head. She appreciated that he didn’t try and reassure her that she’d be fine. “I have soldiers posted at the eluvian, if you want to go see Liddy,” he hesitated a moment. “There is time.” 

Evelyn smiled sadly because there wasn’t time, and she knew that if she went and saw her daughter, she’d never be able to walk away. Dashing away the dampness from her eyes, she breathed slowly. “We forgot her stuffed bear at the house in Markham. She’ll need it.” Then she sent up a silent prayer, despite her struggle with her belief in the Maker, that Alistair would be able to leave Weisshaupt soon and be willing to take on Liddy.

Ignoring the pain in her hand, she flexed her fingers. “We need to go, to finish this.”    
  


Alistair never thought he would be grateful to see the Winter Palace. But as he approached his heart beat faster in his chest. He hadn’t given much thought to what he would actually say to Evelyn and hoped the words would just come to him when he saw her. Recognizing an Inquisition scout by the sigil on their shoulder, Alistair dismounted.

“Warden Alistair,” there was surprise in their tone. “What are you doing here?”

“Where is Evelyn?” he asked. Alistair grabbed his satchel from the pack on the horse’s saddle and reached inside to run a hand over the stuffed bear safely tucked away. Turning back to the scout when they hadn’t replied he frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“You should-should speak with the Commander,” their voice was quiet, and dread made it hard to breathe.

“Where is Evelyn?” he asked again, this time there was fear in his tone.

“Alistair,” he turned his head and saw Cullen jogging toward him. “Come with me,” he said and Alistair followed.

“Where is Evelyn,” he said it again, more and more desperate with each passing beat of his heart.

“Liddy is with Taashath,” Cullen told him and Alistair was fed up. 

Grabbing the other man’s shoulder, he spun him, shoved him up against the wall and leaned in close to his face. “Tell me what is going on,” he demanded. “Where. Is. Evelyn.” 

The pity in Cullen’s eyes nearly took Alistair out at the knees. Cullen glanced down the hall, then back to Alistair. “I’ll tell you in our quarters.” Numbly, he released the other man and followed him to a door.

Inside, Taashatha lay on the floor beside a blanket where her daughter lay, babbling quietly as Taashath held a toy over her, and beside her was Liddy, sprawled on her belly, thumb in her mouth, a stuffed mabari clutched in her free hand. Tears came to Alistair’s eyes and he looked at Cullen. “Tell me,” his voice cracked and listened in heartbreaking horror as Cullen recounted the events with the Qunari, the discovery of the agents who had infiltrated the Inquisition. The bombs and the mark on Evelyn’s hand spreading fast, and getting worse every time she stepped through the eluvian. 

“She asked me to write to you, to ask you to look after Liddy,” Cullen’s voice was sorrowful and Alistair found that he couldn’t breathe. Evelyn didn’t think she’d walk back out of that mirror. Rubbing his hands over his face he sunk down on the edge of a chair and rested his elbows on his knees.

_ Haven’t you given them enough? _ Her words were a quiet whisper and he wanted to shout them at her now. He wanted to refuse to give up hope, but Cullen’s words, and her own surety that she wasn’t going to survive this left him with a heavy heart. 

A quiet sniffle had him looking over to the blanket. Liddy shifted, rubbing her face against the mabari. “Momma,” she whined, twisting. “Want momma,” she started to cry seeing that it was Taashath there and not Evelyn.

“Liddylove,” Alistair said quietly, tears in his own voice. He drew out the stuffed bear just as she rolled over and blinked at him.

“Ali,” she said quietly, her tiny brow furrowing. “Alibear!” Liddy scrambled up, then tripped over her own feet as she ran toward him. He caught her up against his chest as her small arms wrapped around his neck and clung to him. She sobbed against his neck and Alistair clung to her, desperately trying to hold back his own tears. 

It humbled him that Evelyn wanted Liddy to remain with him, that she trusted him to raise the daughter she adored. But he didn’t want to do it without her. Didn’t know how he possibly could. “I’m here,” he murmured, one hand cupping the back of her head, as he turned his face to press his lips to her temple. “I’m here.” 

“No go,” she said against his throat. “No go bye again.”

“I won’t, Liddy, I won’t. I’m here.” 

Evelyn hurt. Every bone in her body ached and for long seconds she couldn’t remember why. Then it all came crashing back. The Winter Palace. The Qunari. The anchor spreading. Solas. She remembered watching her the center of her hand, where the mark resided for years slowly turning gray, like all the qunari that Solas had turned to stone. 

_ “Ultimately, none but I could have borne the mark and lived. Your death would cause more senseless chaos, more bloodshed. It is unnecessary. Though I doubt you’ll thank me.” _

Reaching out with her right hand, she felt her shoulder blindly, eyes clenched shut against the pain, current and remembered. Slowly, she shifted down, over her bare bicep, down, inch by inch until she felt the edge of a cotton bandage. Just a bit lower and she felt the rounded end of the wound covered with thick layers of cotton. A different kind of pain flared. Her arm was gone, just above where her elbow had been. 

_ “Live well, while the time remains.” _ His parting words. Before Evelyn had watched in horror as the mark slowly turned to stone, spreading outward, to her fingertips then, up to her wrist. Panic had driven her. Not knowing if it would spread until it consumed her, she’d fumbled with her sword, but by the time she found a solid rock to brace her arm against, it had spread halfway up her forearm and she knew she wouldn’t be able to find the leverage.

Then she’d heard the voices of her companions. Of Cassandra and the Iron Bull and Madam de Fer.

_ “Please!” she’d begged, tears streaming down her face, because she so desperately wanted to see her daughter again, to not leave her an orphan. _

_ Cassandra’s hands on her shoulders, her solid weight keeping Evelyn from flinching. Bull’s big hands on the grip of his greatsword. Vivienne’s hands already glowing with a spell to help staunch the bleeding. _

She’d survived. That much was obvious. Distantly, she remembered being shoved into her old uniform and pushed out in front of the representatives of Orlais and Ferelden. Madam de Fer presiding over them all as Divine. She’d disbanded the Inquisition. 

“I’m done,” she remembered shouting at Leliana and Cullen, feeling woozy and desperate, with Solas’ words a painful echo in her mind. Live well, while the time remains. She wanted that. 

Evelyn wasn’t sure how she’d ended up in the bed, had no memory of it, but at least she’d been stripped out of that dreadful uniform Josephine had insisted they wear. Liddy, she thought, turning her head. She wanted to see Liddy. Slowly she opened her eyes a crack. The room was only dimly lit, a lantern burning somewhere behind her, a fire in the hearth. But she was alone.

Blinking she frowned at the object that lay beside her head on the pillow.  _ Impossible _ , she thought, staring harder. She blinked again and it remained but there was no way, unless she’d been out of it far longer than she’d thought. But this room, it was the one she’d been staying in at the Winter Palace. They wouldn’t have stayed, would they have? 

Or maybe they left her. She let out a quiet, delusional laugh.  _ Not real,  _ she told herself, reaching up slowly to push away the imagined thing. Only when her fingers curled around the leg of the stuffed bear, it didn’t disappear.  _ Dreaming then, _ she decided. One of those dreams that were so real things felt tangible until she woke up. Thom was often in those. 

“Thom?” her voice was a barely recognizable croak and the only sound that came back to her was the popping of the logs on the fire. Curling her fingers tighter around the leg of the stuffed bear, Evelyn tried to sort out what might have happened in her mind, but she couldn’t think past the aching in her body. 

Eventually, she heard the door open, a quiet creak of hinges, and a murmured voice. Another voice, not quite a whisper, so obviously Liddy’s. Tears filled Evelyn’s eyes and jaw trembling she started to turn her head.

“Of course, my Liddylove.” Suddenly she couldn’t breathe.  _ Dream. It was all a dream. _ Because Alistair was in Weisshaupt. Or at least, he should be by now, shouldn’t he? “Hey, look whose awake,” his voice was soft and gentle and he smiled down at her, Liddy on his hip.

“Mama!” she cried excitedly. “You ‘wake!” 

“Hey,” Alistair said again, gently as he perched on the edge of the bed and released the squirming little girl in his arms. “Careful of mama’s arm,” he reminded her, nudging her away from Evelyn’s left side. Liddy scrambled over Evelyn’s legs to fall onto the bed and burrow into her other side.

“Alibear,” she said smiling happily. “Alibear make’it better.” 

Jaw trembling, Evelyn turned her face to press it against the top of Liddy’s head as she tried to hold back the tears. Liddy reached up then dragged the bear down so that it lay on Evelyn’s chest as she curled up against her, face tilted to look up at her. “Mama, owwie?”

The bed shifted as Alistair stood up, and Evelyn wanted to reach out, to hold him there, but she couldn’t. “Yes,” her voice cracked. “Big owwie,” she told her. “But I’m okay, I’m not going anywhere, ever again.” Evelyn couldn’t think about how close she’d come to orphaning her daughter, because if she did, the tears would start and they might not stop. 

“How bad is the pain?” Alistair asked and Evelyn glanced over, saw a handful of small bottles, not unlike the ones that Taashath used to make her for the headaches that had actually been a demon.

Shaking her head a little, because despite how bad the pain was, she needed to know how, and why he was there. “You’re supposed to be in Weisshaupt,” she said.

Raising a brow, he fingered the bottles before selecting one. “That bad huh? That you’re distracting yourself with unimportant matters?” He crossed back over to the bed, sat down by her hip, and uncorked the vial. “Need help sitting up to take this?” he asked. 

"How long has it been since,” she glanced down at her arm. 

“Yesterday,” he said. “Liddy, lift up for a second so mama can take this.” Liddy did as she was told, and Alistair slid a hand to rest between Evelyn’s shoulders drawing her up before pressing the vial to her lips. She drank obediently because the pain was too much not to. 

Yesterday. “Why are you here?” she asked as Alistair let her lay back down and Liddy curled up against her, bear tucked between her and Evelyn’s side, thumb in her mouth. 

Alistair’s smile was gentle. “Later,” he said, one hand reaching out to smooth over Liddy’s cheek. “You need to rest. But, I’ll explain later.” 

Habit had Evelyn reaching out her left hand, only, there was no hand and she stared at it for a long moment before meeting Alistair’s gaze. “Don’t go,” she pleaded quietly. “Please, don’t go.” Her eyes felt heavy and she wondered what tonic he’d given her. 

“I’m here,” he murmured quietly, and she felt the press of lips against her forehead before sleep tugged her under. 


	7. Chapter 7

Alistair sat dozing beside the bed Evelyn slept in. The room was quiet save for her slow steady breathing. Liddy had grown restless, and though he’d been reluctant to let her from his sight, he’d asked Taashath if she’d mind watching the girl. Evelyn stirred and he leaned forward in the chair, ready to jump up and grab her another tonic if she woke in pain, but her brow furrowed and she let out a sigh before relaxing again. 

Reaching up he rubbed a hand over his jaw and felt the scrape of a few weeks growth on his face. He hadn’t wanted to bother with shaving on the road, and now he didn’t want to leave Evelyn’s side for something so inane. Leaning back in the chair, arms over his chest, ankles crossed as he stretched out his legs he closed his eyes. 

He wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to react when the reality of her lost arm settled in. The mark had been killing her, that much he knew. The story had been relayed to him from her companions. Something about Solas, and the way her hand had been slowly turning to dust when they had found her, spreading up her arm. 

She’s alive, Alistair reminded himself, and that was all that mattered. She was alive and she’d disbanded the Inquisition. When she woke and was well enough to travel, the three of them could go home to Markham. 

The sound of a pain-filled gasp jerked him from his doze and his eyes flew open to look at Evelyn. She sat up on the bed, breathing heavily, cheeks damp gripping her left bicep. “Evie,” Alistair said softly as he quickly grabbed one of the vials for the pain and carefully perched on the edge of the bed. “Evie,” he repeated when she just blinked but seemed to be looking right through him.

Setting down the vial, he rested his hands on her shoulders and ducked his head down so that their faces were level. “Evelyn.” 

She blinked, blinked again and brow furrowing she lifted her hand up to touch the side of his face. “You’re really here,” her voice was a croak of sound as her fingers ran over his unshaven jaw. “Ali-you’re-” Evelyn made a sound, her hand drawing away from his face to her left arm again.

“Here,” Alistair grabbed the vial once more and tugged the cork free. “Drink this.”

Evelyn shook her head, sweat had broken out on her brow. “Don’t want to sleep. I-where’s Liddy?”

“She’s with Taashath and Cullen, this one doesn’t have a sleeping draught in it. Just for the pain,” he reassured her and Evelyn reached out to take it but her hand was trembling. Alistair curled his fingers around hers and helped guide it up to her lips. The absolute trust was enough to take him out at the knees. 

Tonic consumed, he set aside the glass and then reached out to smooth a hand down the side of her head. Her hair was a tangled mess. “Why aren’t you in Weisshaupt? You were supposed to go take care of the problem with the Wardens.” 

“I had other more important priorities,” he told her. He still hadn’t quite figured out how to say it all. Did he just spill his heart out to her?  _ I love you, I have loved you, I will always love you and I don’t want to be anywhere else _ . He didn’t expect she’d react calmly to that.

Leaning back against the headboard Evelyn glanced down and her cheeks flushed pink as she quickly tugged up the blanket. Naked from the waist up save for the band of fabric over her breasts. “A shirt?” she squeaked and Alistair felt his ears burn.

“Yeah,” he said standing up to go fetch one. “They were worried about trying to put you in one with your arm…” he trailed off grabbing one of his own tunics before turning back to her. She was staring down at said arm. 

“I suppose I won’t be working at the tavern anymore.” 

Crossing back to the bed, Alistair bunched the shirt up to help her get it over her head, and then once her arms were through he carefully rolled up the empty sleeve and pinned it up. “I’m sure Bess can come up with something for you to do at the tavern,” he reassured her. 

“Maybe,” she murmured then was quiet for long moments. Alistair sunk back down onto the chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “What happened with the Grey Wardens?” She asked, but she wasn’t looking at him, she’d picked up Liddy’s stuffed bear that she had insisted on leaving to watch over Evelyn.

“Nothing,” Alistair said. “I mean to say, I didn’t get far before-” he reached up, rubbed a hand over his mouth. “I thought a lot about what you said before you left. About how much I had given them and I hadn’t gone far before it hit me.”

“What did?” she looked up at him, bear against her chest.

“I am no longer a Grey Warden, technically. With the taint gone-” he broke off shrugged and offered her a crooked smile. “So I raced back to the house, got the bear and came here, well, first I went to Skyhold, I had thought I could catch you there.” 

“We came straight here,” she tore her gaze away, stared back down at the bear and his dark thread nose and eyes. “Liddy cried for this bear for days. Cried for you.” She was silent for a beat, and Alistair’s heart clenched in his chest. “It’s selfish, but I’m glad you’re here, Alistair.” 

His palms felt damp and he leaned back, rubbing them on his trousers. “I don’t think it’s selfish,” he reassured her, but then he couldn’t just sit there any longer. Alistair stood up and walked over to the window and peered outside. The sun was beginning to set, casting a pink glow on everything. “Evie,” he took a breath. “Evelyn.” 

He turned back to look at her and she was watching him, concern written across her features. “What’s wrong?”

“Do you think you might be up for a little walk?” he asked because he felt stifled in this gaudy room and if he was going to confess everything to her, he needed to be able to breathe. 

Evelyn watched him for another moment and then inclined her head. She drew back the blanket and was relieved to see she wore her own loose breeches. “Can we avoid people?” she asked hopefully and Alistair felt his lips curve up.

“Yes, Liddy and I explored a bit, there is a garden path that is unused this time of year apparently.” 

Evelyn tossed her legs over the edge of the bed and spotted her shoes. She tugged them on and then stilled staring down at the laces. Then Alistair was there, without a word tugging the laces taught and expertly tying them off before he stood again and offered her his hand. 

Anyone else and she would have refused out of spite. But this was Alistair. So she reached up, took his hand and let him lead her from the room and down the hallway. She curled her fingers around his sleeve at the crook of his elbow and they walked down a flight of stairs and out an ornate glass door and into a garden. 

The moment she saw it, Evelyn knew exactly why this portion was unused. The flowers had passed the point of full bloom. Some wilted and drooped. Petals scattered the walkways. They walked silently along the path until they reached a spot that held a ridiculous fountain and a place to sit. Her stomach was twisted in knots. Alistair’s nervousness feeding her own. “Alistair, tell me what’s wrong,” she said, feeling exhausted from the short walk she sunk down on the stone bench and looked up at him.

“Nothing is wrong, Evie,” he promised. “I’m just- I’m messing this up. I thought the words would come when I wanted them to, but I should have practiced. Maker,” he ran a hand through his hair and Evelyn reached out to curl her fingers around his.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me.” It couldn’t be that he was going to leave. He wouldn’t have forsaken the Wardens and ridden all the way to Halmshiral to tell her that, but she couldn’t fathom why he’d be so anxious. “Alistair,” she said gently and he met her gaze, drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

“I love you, Evelyn.” She felt like a fool. A fool who couldn’t breathe. She shook her head, pulled back her hand.  _ No _ , she thought. This was not happening. “Wait, hear me out, Evie.” He reached out to take her hand again but she stood up, putting distance between them, despite the fact that she felt like the garden was spinning around her. “Evelyn, you can’t tell me you didn’t already know that.” 

She turned, looked at him, her mouth open as she tried to form words. She had known.  _ Selfish _ , Evelyn told herself.  _ You’re selfish _ . 

Alistair stood, took a step forward and she saw the hurt on his face when she took a step back. His hands fell at his sides and his shoulders sagged. “I love you, and Liddy. The two of you are the first real family I’ve had. And I know that I have no claim on Liddy, but I love her as if she were my own, though I’d never presumed to-” he shook his head. “But you know about Keiran.” Alistair took a breath and ran a hand through his hair. “I love you and I can’t imagine my life without you and Liddy in it, I don’t want to.

“I understand what you’ve been through, you’ve endured more loss than any one person ever should. But if you gave me a chance- we were happy in Markham, weren’t we? I know that I could never replace Alexander or Rainier, but-” 

Evelyn was shaking her head again. “I can’t-” her voice broke and tears filled her eyes. “Alistair, I can’t. You’re my best friend and I honestly can’t imagine my life without you but I…” she pressed her hand to her chest over her heart. “I don’t have it in me to ever love again. I just-” she let out a breath. “I’m sorry.” She should have known, she should have seen it.

“I don’t have anything to offer,” Evelyn told him. “You deserve someone who can love you, and I will never be able to.”

Hands shoved into his pockets, he bowed his head. “I don’t want anyone else.” 

Sighing softly, Evelyn wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him, but she stayed where she was. “You will, one day.” Of that she was certain. 

Alistair was quiet for long moments. “Did I just mess everything up?” he asked quietly. 

Evelyn’s heart ached. She shook her head. “Oh, Ali, no, of course not. I meant it, you are my best friend and as for Liddy- I’d never take her away from you or you from her.” 

“The house in Markham?”

“Is your home as long as you want it.” 

Alistair inclined his head. “Are you- can you get back to your room alone?” he asked and Evelyn nodded. “Okay,” he said, and then he was gone, leaving Evelyn alone in the garden. Heart heavy, she sat back down on the bench, pressed her face against her hand, and wept. 


	8. Chapter 8

Evelyn sat in the garden on that stone bench for a long time before she heard footsteps again. Quickly wiping at her cheeks she glanced over, half hoping that it might be Alistair. Taashath stepped onto the path and Evelyn’s heart skipped a beat. “Liddy-”

Taashath waved her hand and smiled gently. “She’s fine, she’s with Alistair.” 

Quiet for a moment, she let her hand rest in her lap as the other woman walked over to sit down on the bench beside her. “Did he tell you what happened?”

“No,” Taashath said and Evelyn felt her friend’s gaze on her, scrutinizing. “He just asked that I check on you. Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Evelyn said fervently. 

Taashath made a quiet sound, leaning back slightly and angling her face up to the sun. “Alright,” she said and then fell silent.

Long minutes passed and neither woman spoke. A stray tear dripped down Evelyn’s cheek and she sniffed quietly. “I can’t love him,” she whispered, face crumpling as Taasha turned to look at her. “He wants- and I can’t-” her voice cracked.

“Oh, Evie,” Taasha let out a breath and shifted closer, wrapping her arms around the other woman and drawing her into a hug. Evelyn let her, pressed her face against her friend’s shoulder and sobbed.

“It isn’t fair,” Evelyn told her between ragged breaths. “Of me, to hold onto him like this. He thinks he loves me but he’s-” Taasha’s hand smoothed down the back of her head. “I can’t ever love him back. Because if I do-” another sob and Taasha made a quiet soothing sound.

“What would happen if you did?” she asked gently and Evelyn shook her head. “Because you’re friends?” she murmured. “Cullen and I-”

“We’re nothing like the two of you. Your love is this epic unstoppable thing.” Evelyn pulled back, wiped at her face with the sleeve of her shirt. “The two of you, it was certain from the start and you know it. Alistair…” she trailed off and shook her head again. “I can’t love him, I won’t.” Taashath canted her head to the side, concern written all across her features. “Look at what has happened to the other men I have loved. They’re all dead. And if Alistair-” her jaw trembled and she pressed her lips tightly together. “I can’t lose him. Liddy can’t lose him.” 

“Oh, Evie,” Taasha crooned. “You know they didn’t die because of you. Evelyn, please tell me you don’t believe that. I know-I know that Thom-” she swallowed and took Evelyn’s face between her hands. “Alexander and Isaak, Thom, none of their deaths were your fault. They didn’t die because you loved them.”

“Thom did,” she whispered. “Thom was the only person who kept me sane, and I knew-Maker I knew he’d die. That was why I wouldn’t ever let him travel with me. I thought he’d be safe at Skyhold. And Alistair-” her breath hitched. “I can’t.” Evelyn looked at Taasha pleadingly. “Sometimes, there is a voice in my head, and I can’t tell if it’s really me or another demon.” 

Taashath opened her mouth and then closed it again before drawing Evelyn back into a hug. “You’re not possessed anymore,” she told her, smoothing a hand over the back of Evelyn’s head. “You’re just too hard on yourself. None of that was your fault. Did you tell Alistair any of this?” Evelyn shook her head against Taasha’s shoulder. 

“If I did, he’d think there was a chance for us and- I just want to go home. I want to go home and for things to go back to how they were before.” Pulling back again, she ran her hand down what was left of her arm. “But I can’t even do that, can I?” No more working at the tavern. No more sweeping Liddy up in her arms. The reality of it hit her suddenly and her throat felt tight. “I want to go home,” she said again.

“Alright,” Taashath murmured. “Everything’s ready. We can go first thing in the morning.” 

Standing up, Evelyn began walking back through the garden, Taasha beside her. “I want to go now.” 

Taasha was silent for a second, then she nodded. “Alright. Go pack, I’ll let Cullen know.” 

Inside her borrowed room, Evelyn set to gathering her and Liddy’s few belongings, cursing every time she reached out with her left hand that was no long longer there. She felt anxious and worried and a little angry too. Why had Alistair decided to say those words?

_ “If you gave me a chance - we were happy in Markham, weren’t we?” _

“Fool,” she hissed quietly and she wasn’t sure if she meant him or herself. Evelyn wanted Alistair to be happy. After all those years with the wardens and after all that he’d been through, she wanted him to know joy and love. He deserved it. But she couldn’t give it to him, and she knew eventually he’d look elsewhere. Her heart ached at the thought because she knew that he’d find someone else, fall in love, and maybe have a family with some other woman. 

And where would that leave her and Liddy? 

Bags packed, Evelyn sat down on the edge of the bed and picked up the stuffed bear and held it in her lap. “I’ve made a mess of things,” she murmured. Maybe she never should have let Alistair come to Markham in the first place. “I can’t.”

“Mama!” Evelyn heard the drawn-out shout before the door opened and Liddy toddled through the door. “Mama! Sweet!” she proclaimed and Evelyn quickly rubbed her eyes before she turned to look at her daughter. The laugh bubbled out as she saw her. Face a mess with chocolate and crumbs, she clutched half-eaten stuffed pastries in either hand. “Wanna bite, mama?” she asked.

Getting up to her feet, she set aside the bear and met Liddy in the middle of the room, doing her best not to look at Alistair who came in behind her a moment later. “What’s all this?” she asked her daughter, sinking down to her knees in front of her. Liddy looked at one hand, then the other then seemed to debate a moment before finally thrusting up her left hand. This pastry was cream-filled and obviously, not Liddy’s favorite. With a grin, she leaned down and bit off a piece and when she would have wrapped her arms around her, stood up holding her daughter close she froze, simply sat there with the realization that she couldn’t do that any longer. 

At least, not in the ways she used to. Evelyn wouldn’t be able to pack Liddy around on her hip while she continued to do things and her heart broke anew. Reaching out she smoothed a hand over her dark curls and leaned in to kiss her forehead. “I love you,” she whispered.

“Love you, mama!” Liddy grinned up at her.

“I’ll take the bags down, Cullen says we’re ready to go,” Alistair broke in and Evelyn finally looked at him. His face was unreadable. 

“Alistair,” Evelyn started, but he crossed to the bed, grabbed the bags and headed for the door.

“I’ll be back to help with Liddy if you need it.” Then he was gone and Evelyn sighed. 

Liddy echoed the sound and Evelyn looked at her. “Alibear sad. Mama sad too?” 

Evelyn glanced at the open door and then back and Liddy. “You are going to have to give up one of those sweets,” she told her, instead of answering the question. Without hesitation, Liddy walked over to one of the ornate chairs and set down the cream-filled sweet on the cushion. Then wiped her sticky hand down the front of her dress before grabbing hold of the stuffed bear’s leg.

“Up!” Liddy said, arms up as she came back to Evelyn. Drawing in a breath, she slipped her arm beneath Liddy’s bottom, pulled her close, and stood. For a heartbeat, she felt unsteady, but Liddy wrapped an arm around her, settled and Evelyn let out a breath. 

They were halfway down the hall when Alistair reappeared. There was hesitation that had never been there before and Evelyn didn’t know how to fix it. “We’re all ready?” she asked, while in the back of her mind she tried to remind herself that he’d get over her. He’d realized he’d given enough to the Wardens, that he deserved more, he’d realize the same about her soon enough.

“Your entourage awaits, my ladies,” he bowed at the waist making Liddy giggle. She twisted in Evelyn’s grip, reaching for Alistair. Evelyn didn’t even have the chance to panic with the fear that she was going to drop her, because Alistair was there. Catching her and cradling her as he had when she’d been a tiny baby. “Liddy, love,” he chided, voice gentle. “You can’t do that with mama anymore, not for a while yet, remember?”

Liddy’s gray eyes were big and she looked up at Alistair, then over to Evelyn. “Sorry, mama,” she whispered. “Forgot.” 

Evelyn’s throat felt tight. “I probably shouldn’t have picked you up, to begin with.” Then she stepped around Alistair and began walking again.

“Evelyn,” Alistair’s voice was sharp, but she ignored him. His long strides ate up the distance, until he caught up to her, caught her arm and tugged her back around to face him. “Evie,” he said, voice gentle and Evelyn stared hard at a spot on his shirt, because she couldn’t look at him, or else the tears would start again. “Evie,” he murmured, and she wasn’t sure who moved first- him or her. But the next thing she knew she’d banded her arm around his waist and his free one was around her shoulders. 

“We’ll figure it out, Evie. It’ll take time and getting used to, but we’ll figure it out,” he murmured against her hair and she wondered if he meant about her arm or the fact that she refused to love him back. 

Shuddering, Evelyn held on tighter, felt a tiny sticky hand patting the side of her neck. “Is okay, mama,” she reassured her and Evelyn let out a soggy laugh before forcing herself to draw back. Then she made herself look up at Alistair and she felt her heart crack inside her chest. 

_ I can’t lose you like I lost them_, she wanted to say it, but couldn’t get the words out. His eyes were searching her face. “Okay?” he asked and she gave a jerky nod. They continued back on their way until they reached the carts. 

Taashath spotted them, waved, and crossed over to her. “Here,” she said, holding out a folded up bundle of fabric with a set of double metal rings. Evelyn’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I use it when I’m working in the bakery,” Taasha continued. “So I can have Liora with me and still work at the same time. I thought,” she glanced over at Liddy then back to Evelyn. 

“How does it work?” Evelyn asked and Taasha let out a relieved breath, and quickly showed up.

“Wrap it around like this, I figured once that arm is better, has healed up some and every touch isn’t agony, you could settle her on your left hip. It’ll keep her supported so you can still do things with your other hand.” 

Evelyn clutched the bundle of dark purple cloth to her chest and for what was likely the millionth time, so grateful for her friendship with Taashath. “Thank you,” she told her and Taashath smiled. 

Hours later, after they set up camp, Alistair found himself and his bedroll facing Evelyn. “Is this alright?” he asked, unsure. Liddy had been insistent, wanting both of them close by. Which was why their thin mats lay touching, Liddy sprawled out between them, thumb in her mouth, bear tucked under her chin.

“Of course,” she said as if he hadn’t poured his heart out to her earlier that day and been denied. He was daft. Truly and utterly brainless. He hadn’t meant to fall in love with Evelyn. When he’d met her during the Inquisition he’d seen someone in desperate need of a friend. She’d been so full of anger and hurt that his heart had ached for her. 

It had been slow to grow, their friendship. But he had been one of the few people who hadn’t been around during the time when she’d been possessed, so none of her anger had been directed at him. What had started out as a harmless crush though had grown. Evelyn had been so full of joy and worry during her pregnancy, but she’d let him be a part of it. He still remembered the first time she’d taken his hand and pressed it to her belly as Liddy moved inside her. 

He should have known right then and there he was sunk. His heart irrevocably belonged to the two of them from that second on. “I never should have said anything.” Evelyn looked at him and he realized he’d spoke the words aloud.

Her lips parted and the look she gave him was one of pity. “I want you to be happy, Alistair,” she murmured in deference to the child sleeping between them. “You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“You and Liddy make me happy,” he countered just as softly. He wanted to argue with her, just for the chance to try and make her as happy as she made him. But if her feelings didn’t run along the same vein as his, then it was useless. He’d made a mess of everything. 

“You-” she started, her hand reaching out to wrap around the sleeve of his shirt. “You are one of the most important people in my life, Alistair, but you have to know, I just don’t have it in me to love anyone ever again. Not like that.” He didn’t believe that, not for an instant. She was full of love. For her friends, for the people in Markham. She’d found a place where she could belong in that village. “You’ll always have a home with us, I just don’t want you to hold on to the hope for something I’ll never be able to give you. Then one day you’ll look back at the time you wasted with us and regret it.” 

Alistair was quiet for a moment, he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and hold them both against his chest. Instead, he reached out and took the hand that she’d withdrawn and curled his fingers around hers. “I would never regret a moment of time in this life with you and Liddy.” Her face softened and he saw her blink several times. “Now go to sleep, you’re still healing and we’ve a long day ahead of us tomorrow.” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Baby Liddy and Alistair](http://fav.me/de4xqwg)

* * *

Evelyn sat in the back of the wagon, her right hand absently rubbing her left arm above the bandage. “Mama!” she heard Liddy shout and giggle and glanced over to where her daughter sat in front of Alistair on the horse. Evelyn lifted her hand to smile and wave until Liddy was distracted again. Then she ducked her head and let out a slow, measured breath.

“Why don’t you take something,” Taashath’s voice was soft as she held a sleeping Liora against her chest. Evelyn shook her head as she went back to rubbing her arm, willing away the pain. “Why not? You are in pain, don’t be absurd, Evie.” 

“I can’t,” she replied with another shake of her head. “I just-can’t,” her voice cracked and she bit down on the inside of her cheek. After the initial shock had worn off, that taste of the tonics had been too much for her. Just the smell made her think of that time back in Skyhold when she’d drank them like water to try and stave off the headaches. “I can’t,” she repeated, voice steadier this time. “It’s fine. It isn’t that bad.” It was, but she’d gotten used to the constant pain of the anchor she’d had for the last four years, she would grow accustomed to the pain.

Taashath made a quiet sound, disapproval evident. But Evelyn closed her eyes, feigning trying to nap to ward off any further discussion. 

It was late afternoon when they stopped for a break. "Want to go for a walk?" Alistair asked and Evie inclined her head. they didn’t go far before they found a stream that fed into a calm pond. Evelyn sunk down in a patch of grass beneath a hulking weeping willow while Alistair and Liddy continued to the water’s edge.

Her arm ached painfully still and she knew it was irrational to refuse the tonic that would help with the pain, but the bitter tonic brought up even more bitter memories and she didn't have the strength to cope. So she sat listening to Liddy's babble as she and Alistair gathered stones and he showed her how to skip the rocks across the smooth surface. 

A small smile curved the corners of her lips. The rocks Liddy threw made audible plops in the water and she heard Alistair’s amusement as he praised her great throws. Then each time Alistair threw one, Liddy would clap and praise him in turn. It made her chest pulse with affection. Opening her eyes she looked at them, Alistair crouched beside Liddy, an arm curled around her as he helped her throw a new rock. 

Her eyes suddenly burned and she blinked rapidly. They were everything to her. Alistair glanced over and he smiled, eyes crinkling around the corners and her heart gave a painful kick in her chest. “You could join us,” he called, but Evelyn shook her head and forced a smile onto her face.

“I think I’ll pass, I’m quite comfortable right where I am at.” 

They stayed for a while longer, until Liddy ran off along the shore, Alistair not far behind, making a great show of not being able to keep up with her, to Liddy’s delight. Then she tripped, sprawled out on her belly, arms out in front of her, she didn’t move for several heartbeats and Evelyn sat forward, ready to get to her feet. “Uh oh,” Alistair said, crouching beside Liddy. 

He helped the girl to her feet, and Evelyn could tell Liddy was trying to decide if she was going to start screaming or not. “Let me see,” he said, catching bother hands in his, he turned them this way and that, lifted them up over her head and then brought them back down. “Are they broken? Do we need to-” he broke off, and she caught his quick glance. 

_ Do we need to cut them off? _ It had always been their joking solution, to a stubbed toe or a sliver in the tip of a finger. Evelyn glanced down at her arm.

Alistair ducked his head and pressed loud kisses to Liddy’s palms, before spinning her around and giving her a nudge. “Go see mama,” he told her and soothed, Liddy came running, Alistair moving at a slower pace behind her. 

“What’s the verdict?” Evelyn asked as Liddy barreled toward her. “Do we have to cut them off or can they be saved?” she winced when Liddy jumped into her lap, crashing against her chest before settling back to show off her hands.

“Owwie. Mama kiss.” Evelyn inspected the hands offered her. Faint scratches on her palms, a little red from the fall. Then she lowered her head to press her lips to Liddy’s palms and for a moment she hesitated. Alistair’s lips had just been there. 

Feeling her cheeks flush she did as her daughter demanded, kissing each palm before tugging her closer. “What do you think Alistair? Should we cut them off?” Evelyn held out her right hand as if her fingers were scissors and pretended to cut at one of Liddy’s wrists making the girl giggle and squirm. When she looked up to meet his gaze, his was unreadable and she just stared at him, silently willing him to pretend it was all normal.  _ I’m fine, _ she mouthed.

Crouching down beside them, Alistair looked down at the ground for a moment, then reached out to tickle Liddy’s side as he flashed her a grin. “I think they can be salvaged this time,” he said and Evelyn smiled and kissed the top of Liddy’s head. Then he sat down with his back against the tree beside her and they stayed like that for some minutes. 

“We should head back,” Evelyn said, rubbing her hand up and down Liddy’s back.

“We’ll be at the crossroads soon,” Alistair said, staring out across the water's surface. “I imagine you don’t want to return to Skyhold?” 

Evelyn was quiet for a moment. She desperately wanted to go home, back to Markham where they could pretend everything was normal until she drove Alistair away. “Actually,” she murmured. “I was hoping to see Talon.” 

Turning his head, Alistair looked at her, the surprise evident in his gaze. “So to Skyhold then?”

“For a bit,” she said with a nod. Evelyn missed her friends, wanted to spend time with them without her title and duties hovering over her. “If you don’t mind,” she added.

Alistair made a quiet sound, then reached out and rubbed a knuckle along Liddy’s cheek, wrinkling his nose at her. Then she scrambled off Evelyn’s lap and threw herself into his arms, the hurt forgotten. Alistair caught her, tickled her sides until she screamed with laughter, a twist of flailing arms and legs. “I don’t mind,” he said, setting Liddy on her feet. She made as if to run away, but he caught her around the waist, dragged her back across his lap, tickling her again. “She’ll probably lay into me for abandoning my duties as a Grey Warden,” he said, releasing Liddy once more.

“No she won’t,” Evelyn said, because hadn’t Talon done the same? Neither of them were truly Wardens any longer. And if Talon did happen to give Alistair a hard time, then nothing would stop Evelyn from going toe to with her. He deserved all the happiness and joy that Talon had found, and Talon wouldn’t make him feel guilty for choosing himself over the Wardens finally. 

Alistair glanced over at Evelyn, a brow lifting slightly. “We should head back,” she said and Alistair inclined his head. He stood, Liddy, perched on his hip and Evelyn braced her hand on the ground but found she couldn’t quite get the leverage she needed to push herself up. She looked up, met Alistair’s gaze, and held out her hand to him. 

He didn’t hesitate. He took her hand, warm and calloused and he tugged, drawing her to her feet. They stood there for several heartbeats. Bodies close, his hand gently squeezing hers, and then Liddy leaned in Alistair’s arms throwing her arms around Evelyn’s shoulders. 

Back at the caravan, Taashath grinned when Evelyn told her they were going to continue on to Skyhold. Liddy settled on the floor of the wagon with a now wide awake Liora and showed the infant her stuffed bear and mabari. 

That night when they made camp again, Evelyn and Alistair settled as they had the night before, bedrolls touching, Liddy curled up between them. When Evelyn fell asleep, she dreamed of Skyhold. Of walking into the barn and finding Thom there, as he always was, working on some new wooden creation. 

She frowned though as she looked around. Always in these dreams, Liddy was there. And even though Evelyn knew it wasn’t real, it was only in her head, it was time that Thom got to hold their daughter. “Where is Liddy?” she asked, confused as she crossed to him. 

Thom turned away from the work table, setting down the tools in his hands, she turned her face up to him as he cupped it between his palms. “She’s where she is supposed to be,” he told her and Evelyn blinked. 

“She’s supposed to be here,” Evelyn insisted and tears filled her eyes at the look Thom gave her. 

“She’s where she belongs, Evie. Where you belong too.” The pain that filled her chest made it hard to breathe and the tears overflowed suddenly. 

“Stop,” Evelyn jerked back and held up her hands, then she stared at the stump of her left arm.  _ No _ , she thought angrily.  _ This was her dream. Her dream! _ She willed her arm to appear, willed Liddy to be there, in Thom’s arms, only nothing happened.

“Do you think I want you spending the rest of your life alone?” he asked and Evelyn whirled around, pacing away from him.

“Stop it,” she snapped. “This isn’t- stop it!” Whirling around she glared at him.

He crossed to her with slow measured steps and rested his hands on her shoulders. She shoved at him, but it had no effect. “Evie, love,” his voice was so gentle she began to sob.

“Stop it! This isn’t what’s supposed to happen!” Thom slid his hands up her neck to cup her face as he leaned down to press his forehead against her own. “Please, Thom-” she reached out, fisting her hand in the front of his tunic.

“This has to end, love.”

“No,” she said with a violent shake of her head. “No. You can’t-” Evelyn sobbed. “I need you. Liddy needs you. She needs her father!” 

Thom drew back enough to look at her and tears swam in his own eyes. He stroked a thumb along her cheek. “She has a father,” his voice was soft, rough with unshed tears. “A living, breathing man who loves her like I would have loved her.” Another sob escaped Evelyn’s lips and she shook her head, though she knew it was true. “He loves you just as much I loved you,” Thom murmured and Evelyn was certain her heart was breaking.

“I can’t,” she choked out.

“You already do.” Thom leaned in and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“I can’t lose him,” she pressed her face against Thom’s chest and his arms wound around her shoulders and it was so real, she felt the warmth emanating from his body. “I’ve lost too much already, if I loved him- he’ll leave me too.” 

Long heartbeats passed and Evelyn clung to this figment of the man she had loved, had murdered. “You aren’t responsible for my death,” Thom told her and she shook her head because no matter how many times she’d been told that she knew she was. It had been her hand that had poured poison into a cup and given it to him.

“I wasn’t strong enough,” she told him. “I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. I wasn’t fast enough to get to Kirkwall, I couldn’t keep them safe either. I should have been there.” 

“Then you would have died with them. I’d have never known you, and we’d have never done the most important thing I’ve ever been a part of. We made Liddy.” Another broken sound escaped Evelyn’s lips. “It’s time to let go, Evie. Heal and move forward. No more dwelling in the past.” Thom drew back, once more cupping her face between his hands, then he leaned down and pressed a heartbreakingly tender kiss against her lips. Hot tears streamed down her cheeks.

“I’m so scared,” she whispered against his lips.

“Be brave, love,” he murmured, kissed her once more, and then she was alone. 

Evelyn inhaled sharply, the air cold against her damp cheeks. She blinked rapidly, Alistair’s profile came into focus and she saw him laying on his back, Liddy on his chest, her cheek on his shoulder, thumb in her mouth. 

Alistair turned his head and blinked slowly a few times before his brows furrowed. “Evie?” he murmured. “You okay?” 

Words clogged in her throat with the tears so she just jerked her head no and saw Alistair’s frown deepen. “What’s wrong? Your arm?” He shifted, as if ready to get up and fetch her a healer or a tonic, but Evelyn shook her head again. The ache in her arm was nothing compared to the one in her chest. “Hey,” he murmured. “What is it? What’s wrong, Evie?”

Still unable to say anything, she scooted over, moving closer to Alistair. She registered the surprise at first, and then he rolled to face her, carefully shifting Liddy as he did so. Then his arms were around her, a bicep pillowing her head, while the other hand splayed over her back. “I’ve got you,” he murmured, voice soft and reassuring. “I’ve got you.” 

Evelyn closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of him. It scared her, the idea of loving this man. Loving Liddy was terrifying enough. Her daughter was her entire world. If she admitted to it, let herself love Alistair - she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to breathe again. 

His voice was a soft, reassuring mantra as he held her and she felt herself beginning to relax, her eyes growing heavy once more. 

If she loved him and lost him, it would destroy her.

But if she pushed him away, she’d lose him one way or another anyways. 


End file.
